Went through a couple of weeks of high-consequence -- small actions might have huge lasting repercussions. Felt like I had to be quiet and careful. Hate that feeling. Just as that was approaching its end (and not knowing for sure if it was the end), had an unpleasant encounter that shone a light on unearned trust -- I had previously spoken too much, in the wrong place. My entire body now is rebelling... fevers, sore throat, aches and chills. Sometimes I wish I could wear a suit of armor, yell into a room filtered by safety. It is so hard to figure out where your voice is truly welcome, and how to navigate when speaking up is an unwise risk. Maybe it's hardest when you finally know what safety feels like, and then you are losing her and feeling the gaps.
All the big stuff in my life is shifting this year, all of it. The big outward stuff is outweighed by the big inward stuff. You must be excited about X, I keep hearing. No. Because it means Y and Z, which hurt, and that hurt is still bigger. X is a coping mechanism. X is survival. X is a stressful game of whack-a-mole. X is a consolation prize.
Where can I say that and be heard, and be safe, and have company in those feelings?
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